Jim Headlines
I remember my first time. It was just like yesterday.
No, more like Thursday, actually. That’s when it finally happened.
No, more like Thursday, actually. That’s when it finally happened.
Whoever said money couldn’t buy happiness either never had it or just took it too seriously. With enough money, you can, in fact, buy a lot of happiness, or rather, peace of mind, which is a very clearly marked and well-paved route to happiness.
You just have to do it right.
You just have to do it right.
The story you are about to read is true. In fact, I’m astonished I’m still around to write about it. It’s funny how a passing decade turns a nightmare into a fond memory. Sort of…
Mike cranked into a high octane riff, that Marshall JCM 800 stack screaming like a wounded banshee. I came in right behind him on the dual guitar lead break, my trusty old Carvin Blues Tube roaring right under Mike’s ball peen hammer-like riffs.
Mike cranked into a high octane riff, that Marshall JCM 800 stack screaming like a wounded banshee. I came in right behind him on the dual guitar lead break, my trusty old Carvin Blues Tube roaring right under Mike’s ball peen hammer-like riffs.
One almost never sees a snowman standing next to a palm tree.
So I am glad to report that I have, in fact, witnessed such a phenomenon. Even took a picture of it.
So I am glad to report that I have, in fact, witnessed such a phenomenon. Even took a picture of it.
There’s something telling about a person who watches the Super Bowl largely for the commercials rather than the game. It’s probably not very flattering, though, so I’m not going to admit to that right here.
Nonetheless, it is astounding how one sixty-minute football game has become such a lengthy, glitzy, over-the-top affair, to the point where the game is actually secondary to the rest of the show.
Nonetheless, it is astounding how one sixty-minute football game has become such a lengthy, glitzy, over-the-top affair, to the point where the game is actually secondary to the rest of the show.
As Dirty Harry once said, “Man’s got to know his limitations.”
Mine appear to be plumbing and electrical work. And carpentry. And tile. And…
Mine appear to be plumbing and electrical work. And carpentry. And tile. And…
By the time you finish reading this, you may very well want to check into the nearest padded hotel, if not murder me in my sleep.
It’s time once again to exorcize a few demons and the only way to do that is to write about them. Then I can go to sleep, confident that while I still have them, at least now so do you.
It’s time once again to exorcize a few demons and the only way to do that is to write about them. Then I can go to sleep, confident that while I still have them, at least now so do you.
Sitting in a battered, ancient blue shoebox rests a packet of letters, cards and notes from years I tend to relegate, like the box itself, to some corner shelf in some basement closet of my mind.
Periodically, I run across that box, maybe during a spring-cleaning, maybe while in search of some completely unrelated item. Each time I find it, I blow off the dust, lift the lid and take a stroll down the years.
Periodically, I run across that box, maybe during a spring-cleaning, maybe while in search of some completely unrelated item. Each time I find it, I blow off the dust, lift the lid and take a stroll down the years.
So I read where a New York woman is suing a bar she was in because a stuffed moose head fell on her. She says she has suffered injuries and lost wages because of the nose-dive ol’ Bullwinkle took after happy hour.
Sounds ridiculous, eh? Yet another reason why we need tort reform in this country, right?
Sounds ridiculous, eh? Yet another reason why we need tort reform in this country, right?
I swore off making New Years Resolutions years ago.
Back in the day, making promises I knew I couldn’t keep seemed preposterous, if only because I would be providing even more cannon fodder for all the nay-sayers who would rub their hands in gleeful anticipation of yet another chance to call me on all those unrealistic, unkeepable promises.
Back in the day, making promises I knew I couldn’t keep seemed preposterous, if only because I would be providing even more cannon fodder for all the nay-sayers who would rub their hands in gleeful anticipation of yet another chance to call me on all those unrealistic, unkeepable promises.
It could have been an unmitigated disaster.
It turned out to be one of the most rocking parties Fort Bragg had ever seen.
It turned out to be one of the most rocking parties Fort Bragg had ever seen.
One thing I’ve noticed this year: Good economy or bad, holiday hustle doesn’t slow down although it may get a little more creative.
Or does it?
Or does it?
There’s a quaint old rhyming couplet I’m fond of quoting every now and then. It goes something like this:
“A little bird with a yellow bill sat upon my window sill,
“A little bird with a yellow bill sat upon my window sill,
It’s one of the great mysteries of life. Okay, maybe one of the great mysteries of modern suburbia.
What is it about a creature half the size and weight of a Brillo pad that makes grown adults just wig hysterically?
What is it about a creature half the size and weight of a Brillo pad that makes grown adults just wig hysterically?
It was Saturday night at Croasdaile Village, a retirement community in Durham, N.C. and I had forgotten something from the car, so I was the last one into the dining room. This wasn’t a bad thing, because on my way back in I ran into someone wearing the colors.
I wouldn’t liken them to gang colors, but these women, amazing folks every one, sport them proudly – various colored scarves with music staves, notes, clefs, the works. You know they’re bringing on their A-game tonight.
I wouldn’t liken them to gang colors, but these women, amazing folks every one, sport them proudly – various colored scarves with music staves, notes, clefs, the works. You know they’re bringing on their A-game tonight.
So we’re driving down this lovely, winding, tree-draped mountain lane, a group of good friends on a fine autumn day during peak leaf season in the North Carolina high country. To the left is a picturesque valley where cows and horses graze leisurely on green rolling knolls. Maybe an old stone chimney or perhaps an ancient tin-roofed tobacco barn stands in a faraway field, lonely monuments to a not-too distant past.
The sun is shining, the leaves are spectacular, the conversation lively.
The sun is shining, the leaves are spectacular, the conversation lively.
Ah, Halloween!
Time for a deliciously good scare or two, or maybe a few treats and tricks.
Time for a deliciously good scare or two, or maybe a few treats and tricks.
With cooler temperatures and shorter days finally here, it’s time once again for me to engage in a little nature worship.
The beginning of fall is a subject I celebrate about this time every year.
The beginning of fall is a subject I celebrate about this time every year.
When I first heard of Facebook, I thought, “ What a ridiculous, absurd, time-wasting invention.”
Now I’m getting to where I really like it.
Now I’m getting to where I really like it.
The first thing I notice after I put my shoes back on and line up to the right of the red line on the sidewalk was the solid clang of the metal door behind us.
“Stay to the right of the line and a foot behind me at all times,” says our guide with authority. “Do exactly what you’re told. You’re inside now.”
“Stay to the right of the line and a foot behind me at all times,” says our guide with authority. “Do exactly what you’re told. You’re inside now.”
Finally, after two and a half years of never quite getting around to it, I got to spend some time aboard a surfboard.
Surfing is like riding a bicycle, sort of … okay not really. Once you learn to do it, you never forget how. But if you’re out of shape, overweight, and get winded just from throwing a beer can in the recycling bin, then you’re going to have problems. Worse, you’re probably going to become twice as frustrated as a beginner because you know what to do but your body refuses to do it.
Surfing is like riding a bicycle, sort of … okay not really. Once you learn to do it, you never forget how. But if you’re out of shape, overweight, and get winded just from throwing a beer can in the recycling bin, then you’re going to have problems. Worse, you’re probably going to become twice as frustrated as a beginner because you know what to do but your body refuses to do it.
So lately we’ve been hearing a lot of cheery news. The economy is turning around. The crime rate is dropping. Retail sales are rising. Houses are selling. Prosperity is just around the corner.
Flying monkeys are desperately trying to launch themselves headlong into space from my ...
Flying monkeys are desperately trying to launch themselves headlong into space from my ...
Here’s one of those painful admissions: It seems as though I have managed to sleep through most of the major events of my life.
On a personal level, I have managed to sleep through two tornados and one minor earthquake. I think I remember waking up briefly one morning to the worst thunderstorm I had ever seen. I sort of glanced at the window, bleary eyed and delirious, and realized there was no point in going anywhere in such weather, so I rolled over and went back to sleep.
On a personal level, I have managed to sleep through two tornados and one minor earthquake. I think I remember waking up briefly one morning to the worst thunderstorm I had ever seen. I sort of glanced at the window, bleary eyed and delirious, and realized there was no point in going anywhere in such weather, so I rolled over and went back to sleep.
So I had to take a special driving test the other day, something to do for work.
I didn’t need it – I am the world’s most knowledgeable and greatest driver – but it was pretty amusing.
I didn’t need it – I am the world’s most knowledgeable and greatest driver – but it was pretty amusing.
I can remember my first anniversary just like it was yesterday.
Actually, by the time you read this, it will have been a year from yesterday.
Actually, by the time you read this, it will have been a year from yesterday.
I’m now at that age where I am not so afraid of things like snakes, spiders, or even clowns. I don’t want to be around them, but they don’t petrify me like they once did.
No, my fears, like everything else, have matured. My fears are more akin to facing my own mortality.
No, my fears, like everything else, have matured. My fears are more akin to facing my own mortality.
There’s an old joke: What are a redneck’s last words?
“Hey ya’ll, wartch this!”
“Hey ya’ll, wartch this!”
Rock and roll may not save your mortal soul, but it can sooth the savage beast.
More specifically, everyone needs an outlet. Mine is playing music.
More specifically, everyone needs an outlet. Mine is playing music.
Walter Cronkite is gone, at 92, wandered to that great big ol’ newsroom in the sky.
More important to me, though, Darcy Cors is gone.
More important to me, though, Darcy Cors is gone.
You think you’re alone on the highway. You’ve been bothered by this thing all afternoon, but too many people were around. Glancing into your rear view mirror, you see no one else nearby. At last! You can, for lack of a more delicate way of putting this, finally start digging for silver in a gold mine.
Then out of the corner of your eye, you see her: the girl of your dreams.
Then out of the corner of your eye, you see her: the girl of your dreams.
So it’s time for another installment of the Chronicles of Sunny, our 12-week-old Corgi.
Like all proud parents, my Beloved and I are convinced this little guy is the smartest, most handsome young fellow who ever lived. Like all childless couples who talk too much to their pets, we also have a tendency to speak to both dogs in lengthy, well-thought out and logical complete paragraphs, all of which is completely lost on them.
Like all proud parents, my Beloved and I are convinced this little guy is the smartest, most handsome young fellow who ever lived. Like all childless couples who talk too much to their pets, we also have a tendency to speak to both dogs in lengthy, well-thought out and logical complete paragraphs, all of which is completely lost on them.
A trip from Charleston to Myrtle Beach shouldn’t take four hours, even with bad traffic, worse directions, and a bladder the size of a BB.
But even I sensed something was not quite right when we passed the Cherry Grove pier headed toward North Carolina.
But even I sensed something was not quite right when we passed the Cherry Grove pier headed toward North Carolina.
So I was reading what my good and hilarious friend, Dan Brown had to say about the deodorant spray he recently tried. I have to agree with him. I tried a free sample of the same stuff; it promised to make me irresistible to all women.
What actually happened was that anyone caught in close quarters with me for more than, say, five seconds, left the area looking like they’d just been maced. I concluded that a more accurate name for this product could be found simply by replacing the “X” and “E” letters with a pair of “S’s.”
What actually happened was that anyone caught in close quarters with me for more than, say, five seconds, left the area looking like they’d just been maced. I concluded that a more accurate name for this product could be found simply by replacing the “X” and “E” letters with a pair of “S’s.”
You plan and you plan; the time never seems right.
Then one day, you realize the time will never be right so you go ahead and do it anyway.
Then one day, you realize the time will never be right so you go ahead and do it anyway.
A few years back, I was out walking with the dog when we ran into a friend of the family, also on a walk. We caught up for a few minutes, and as everyone else in town would do, she asked about my mother.
I told her mom was doing well, always busy, and always, you know, mom.
I told her mom was doing well, always busy, and always, you know, mom.
