Published Wednesday, January 12, 2011 5:25 PM
Updated Wednesday, January 12, 2011 5:26 PM
Flying monkeys are desperately trying to launch themselves headlong into space from my ...
Okay, okay, at least as long as you’re employed, insured, and relatively healthy things aren’t too bad. Inflation may be up, but that’s not necessarily all bad, either. After all, I’ve always wanted to wear a $200 shirt and drive a $200,000 car. Thanks to inflation, even in my 10-year old jeep and my favorite wife beater I’m almost there.
No doubt, times are tough and belt-tightening has become the norm, if not the rage, except in Washington, where thrift is at best a punch line and at worst heresy. Here in the real world, though, we’re looking for ways to trim the fat, as it were.
I’m the last guy in the world who should be giving financial advice. I am that guy who approached school with the mindset that if you set your academic goals low enough, you could do what you wanted. That coupled with enthusiastic and frequent investments in as many products made in Milwaukee as I could consume guaranteed that I was able to achieve all my goals.
This philosophy would follow me well into my adult years only slightly modified with the caveat that I wouldn’t have to worry about retirement because I’d be dead before I retired. Since those last few years always seem to be the adult diapers and pureed vegetables through a straw years, this never bothered me very much.
However, as the years advance – and with them technology and medical science -- I am more acutely aware that I probably will be spending my golden years in a quaint little refrigerator box with a view of the Interstate and a steady diet of crushed peas through a bendable straw to go with it whether I want to or not.
Times and attitudes do change. Not too long ago, I wouldn’t have batted an eye to shell out full retail value for whatever foolish trinket I desired at the time. Now I pathologically seek all manner of cost savings, if only so I can aspire to an even larger refrigerator box during my golden years.
The fact is, most expenses aren’t so big – they’re just endless. There is great truth to the phrase, “Getting nickeled and dimed to death.” Why else do they explain tax increases as “Only $4.17 more per year on a $100,000 home,” or some such.
So what is a poor old scribbler like me -- rich in everything but filthy lucre -- to do?
Well, speaking of nickels and dimes, as a long time silver miner -- that is, one who shakes sofa cushions, ashtrays, coffee cans, pants in the laundry hamper, and the kitchen junk drawer for loose change -- I can tell you a couple of fun factoids:
1. A car ashtray will hold about $17.73 in loose change, give or take a buck fifty, if you have the patience to fill it and assuming cars still come with ashtrays.
2. A large plastic solo cup will hold $35 - $65 bucks in loose change, if you have the patience to fill it.
3. An empty magnum of champagne will hold almost $200 in loose change, if you have the patience to fill it.
4. If you cash in all those ash trays, solo cups, and empty magnums of your loose change, use the coin counter machine at your own bank – it’s easy, convenient, and most important, they won't charge you for the service as long as they’re your bank. Other coin counters are quick and easy, but beware the tiny percentage charge that, well, nickels and dimes you significantly.
I used to scoff at the coupon clippers and bargain hunters in line in front of me. Now I hold up the Express Lane with great joy. Clip those coupons and use those cards the grocery stores offer – they’re like having coupons without having to keep up with them.
I also used to scornfully regard those folks with all those generic brand items in their carts. Store brand? Are you some kind of peasant?
Well, yeah, I am. My name ain't Jay Rockefeller and I just write for the newspaper; I don’t own it.
Want to save automotive expenses? Do the maintenance when it’s time to do it. Yeah, an oil change is thirty bucks you’d rather spend elsewhere, but thirty bucks now is a heck of a lot cheaper than $1,300 plus if you blow the engine, bust a timing belt, wear through your brakes, or enjoy some other down the road disaster.
Oh, yeah and for all you short-sighters trying to get home at the end of the night, consider this: a cab ride home is no more than a few bucks, maybe the price of the last two beers of the night. On the other hand, a DUI is several thousand dollars, a lot of hassle, and the joy and prestige of riding a moped – also known as the great Carolina Liquor Bike -- for the next five years.
I think ol’ Roger Miller had it right – and you, too, can become a person of means without means with a little ingenuity and inspiration.