Published Wednesday, February 09, 2011 5:16 PM
Updated Wednesday, February 09, 2011 5:16 PM
There’s this old, rickety, wooden-planked swing bridge, see, and it’s going across a huge flooded river – I see it at the bottom of this steep, endless hill. Looks like two or three big alligators on the right and a barge full of laughing clowns right behind them.
I see it coming up at me now – I’m racing toward it at break neck speed, at first in a toy convertible Corvette, then in an open shopping cart, then on an old Sting Ray five speed bicycle. The bridge, wooden planks and all, is falling apart and most of it is already underwater.
I can’t stop.
The impact is loud, jarring, like an electrical transformer just blew up in my head. Lightning flashes through my eyelids and my ears hum. I kick hard to get the little red wagon moving on the planks now underwater, but a big snake is bearing down on me …
Dang it! My age-old enemy, one I thought I had long since conquered, is back. He’s staring at me, leering at me, even as I roll on my side, clear my head of cobwebs, and curse quietly under my breath.
It’s 3:17 a.m. No, it’s 3:18 a.m. and an hour from now it’s going to be around 3:22 a.m.
I can almost hear my enemy whispering between evil chuckles.
“Just try to relax … just try not to think about it … just try to go to sleep … buwahahahahahaha!”
Insomnia. For years I thought I had it licked. Suddenly, it’s back, some reincarnated haint that has tracked me for thousands of miles and hundreds of years. It makes the mind go bizarre places at warp speed, assuming the term “warp speed” is not now a cliché.
And how does a cliché become a cliché? And who came up with the term? And speaking of terms, what is a warp and who was that guy who played Captain Kirk first and when did the show air and good grief MAKE IT STOP!
A shudder, a gasp, and a pair of eyes wide in the dark, like cartoon eyes in a pitch-black cave. Me and Bugs and Taz, and Taz is making these low grumbly noises in the dark.
Nope, it’s one of my dogs under the bed and snoring. Sounds kind of like one of those monsters drooling under the bed, those kid-nivorous creatures that kept me awake many a night back when I was awaiting a visit from Santa Claus. No one knew exactly what those things looked like; those who saw one never lived to tell the tale. But theories abounded. Most agreed that they were small enough to hide under a kid’s bed but big enough to down a first grader in a single gulp. Possibly they had special powers of invisibility and size adjustment. The only thing that could stop one was the bed itself. Everyone knew that the bed was really a secret fort and the blankets a cloak of invisibility.
So the loud drooling was a really dirty trick – not only was that monster ready to munch the second my feet hit the floor but that dripping sound would make the desperate need to go to the bathroom that much more irresistible. Sooner or later, you would cave and it knew it.
Ahh, but what was the defense against kid-nivorous, under-the-bed dwelling, shape changing invisible monsters? A charm you would utter, three times, no, five times … yeah … free pass, free pass or I’ll kick your … teeth in … here comes the dentist … is it zafe yetnng …
Crack! The tree branch I’m standing on breaks. I sit up just in time to see the numerals rotate on the clock. 3:47 a.m.
3:47; wasn’t that a song by The Who? No, that was “5:15.” Remember that you and Rob and Skip set up amps on the frat house lawn in the middle of exam week and cranked into Pinball Wizard? How does that chord progression go … BzzzTTT!
The amp fries, my eyes pop wide again. 4:14 a.m. Not quite a Who song, not even a half hour of restless doze.
What do people do, count sheep? But I hate sheep! They smell bad. Their wool itches. They’re noisy as all get out … I mean listen to them right now … baaaa … baaaaa … Baaa BAAaa BAAAAAA ZZZZZZSNORK!
Dang it! Woke myself up snoring. I hate it when that happens.
Roll to the left. Can’t get comfortable. Roll to the right. Not much better. Flat on my back. Okay, a little better … If I just concentrate on nothingness, I can … slowly … quietly …. scratch an itch of nose …
Arrrgh! 5:47.
First scratch the nose, then the left elbow, now the right shoulder, now the top of the left foot and the back of the right heel. How did that happen?
Probably those darn sheep.