Published Wednesday, November 03, 2010 11:53 AM
Updated Wednesday, November 03, 2010 11:53 AM
Why, just today, I saw that 15 people saw my profile on the Internet and immediately fell head over heels in love with me. Not bad, considering I don’t recall ever putting a profile anywhere on the Internet. And they all are apparently beautiful girls with names like Vanessa and Desiree, who – alas for them! – do not realize I am already married.
Another 20 or so at some point must have somehow seen me naked. How, I don’t know, but apparently they have, and it's a good thing, too -- they seem so sincere in their expressed desires to help me personally become the man I never realized I should be. For only three payments of $69 each, conveniently billed to my credit card number via an absolutely safe and secret magic Internet gizmo, they can offer me a great deal on a truckload of these secret pills, something called “King Henry” or “Big Jake,” made from some secret Far Eastern recipe of various roots and berries and endangered species parts that guarantees I will continue growing long after I had reached maturity, if you know what I mean.
And wouldn’t you know it; I wouldn’t really be out any money, because there’s this swell chap, an attorney, I believe, who is very pleased to inform me that I am the sole heir to an oil fortune. Me! Can you believe it? And for a mere $5,000 for incidental legal expenses -- after all, the evil totalitarian government in Nigeria will not let him practice law in America -- this guy can put the whole $17.5 billion right into my bank account! And he doesn’t even want a cut of it, just the $5,000. What a deal!
I especially like the fact that politicians everywhere are trying to reach out to me. They all constantly send me letters asking my opinion on everything from illegal immigration -- I’m against it, except for maybe allowing my new friend in Nigeria to come on over -- to national healthcare. They want to know what I think personally, and show it by flattering me with polite requests for huge contributions to their campaigns.
Isn’t that cute; they think I’m rich! Maybe they heard about my friend in Nigeria.
Now that I think about it, all this does make sense. I could get my billions, invest a little in Big Jake pills, and hook up with all sorts of hot models who apparently worship me from afar! Live a life of wine, women and song from here on out.
Boy, am I lucky. You’d think after all those times I foolishly and selfishly dumped those heartfelt communiqués from such caring and loving strangers into the trash heap they would have given up on me by now. But guess what? They haven’t! They keep writing me, just in case I come to my senses. Can you believe it?
Obviously, these are good people, folks who believe in others. People who understand perseverance and hard work are the keys to success. You know, good people with good old-fashioned values. Who knew?
God bless the Internet…