Published Wednesday, September 09, 2009 2:53 PM
Updated Wednesday, September 09, 2009 2:54 PM
I didn’t need it – I am the world’s most knowledgeable and greatest driver – but it was pretty amusing.
I especially liked the parts in the soundtrack that emulated screeching tires and breaking glass.
But then I had to get in the car for a trip between Goose Creek and Moncks Corner and it got me thinking: exactly what are people being taught about driving across this great and bountiful land of ours?
I know that certain regions teach certain behaviors. In North Carolina, they teach kids how to squeeze a vehicle between two others in a space of about two feet at 80 miles per hour. In Florida, they apparently teach their kids the masterful art of making a left turn across four lanes from the far right lane without ever using a turn signal.
It’s an art form; you never change speed whether you’re doing 30 miles an hour or 300 hundred miles an hour. You just cut across traffic without looking and cruise on your merry way, oblivious to hurled objects and shouted aspersions toward your heritage.
I suppose we all have to live and let live, but if I were to teach driver’s education – and I won’t because I have no patience – there are a points I would hammer home.
For one, it is against the law to block the left lane, so move over. Now. This second. I don’t care if you think you are going fast enough; you obviously are not, otherwise I wouldn’t be riding your rear bumper.
By the same token, if you are on my butt in any lane, then you need to back off if you know what’s good for you.
I know in the state of South Carolina these are regarded as strictly optional equipment, but USE YOUR TURN SIGNALS. They’re not that difficult to figure out and you will earn my grudging tolerance if you get in the habit of signaling when you mean to turn or change lanes.
The horn is neither a greeting apparatus nor is it an alternative to a brake pedal. When you honk your horn at me, you are likely going to be treated to a spirited finger puppet show, complete with animated dialogue.
On the other hand, if I have to honk my horn, it is best for you to comply with my directive at once. This is because, as the greatest driver on the planet, I should be deferred to at all times.
Oh yeah, turn down that howitzer barrage you call a stereo system. If I wanted a back massage I would go to the nearest health spa. All those bass boom box noises sound like someone gathered up a bunch of dirty dishes in a tablecloth and threw them into a clothes dryer at top speed. Give it a rest.
Okay, so I can’t think of anything else the world needs to know about the fine art of driving. Happy motoring, and remember to stay out of the left lane.