Published Wednesday, February 23, 2011 6:01 PM
Updated Wednesday, February 23, 2011 6:02 PM
It’s all about getting ahead, right?
It’s the American way, the dream, the star for which we constantly reach. If you’re not the lead sled dog, the scenery is pretty much the same, as the saying goes. I think I can capitalize on that.
We are an optimistic bunch here in America. We all believe – because we’ve all been bombarded with the message all our lives that we deserve it – that sooner or later we’re going to get to the top of the heap. We’re all going to be rich and famous. We’re all going to be the life of the never-ending party – the one for which we will magnanimously foot the bill with our newfound wealth.
Never mind that most of us are marginally talented and kind of good looking; we’re all going to marry super models on the decks of our seaside McMansions, and we’re going to do it by the time we’re 30. Or 40. Or whatever the nearest target may be.
Onward and upward; the sky’s the limit; and the only one holding you back is you.
How true that is and remember, no one really likes the truth.?There are a thousand different quotations, aphorisms, platitudes that accompany all this expensive cheerleading. From Willie Shakespeare’s “All the world’s a stage,” to Zig Zeigler’s “See You At The Top,” the exhortation seems to be to sell yourself. Smile. Remember names. Shake hands like you mean it. Put your best foot forward. You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
And the granddaddy of all bad platitudes, “Just Be Yourself.”
That’s fine, but what if “yourself” is a singularly odious, unfunny, annoying bag of hot methane? Do you really think anyone wants to buy what you’re selling there, Rush? What if your best foot smells like your worst socks? Still want to put it forward? What if your smile looks like a row of moss covered tombstones, or worse, missing piano keys? Now there’s a first impression.
And what if the hiring manager’s name is Peter, yet you somehow keep calling him Dick?
Some things can be taught; others you either have or you do not.
There’s an old story that illustrates what I’m talking about here. Seems like this studly guy and his dork buddy were at the beach trying to meet women. The less talented of the two finally asked for some advice on improving his chances with the fairer sex. His friend suggested that if he strategically placed a baking potato in his bathing suit, he would probably get a lot more attention from the ladies, if you know what I mean.
“Great idea! I think I’ll try it,” declared the one unlucky at love, and dashed off to the beach house to re-equip himself.
A little while later he came back, angry and bewildered.
“You jerk! I tried the potato, like you said, and all I got was laughed at!”
His friend shook his head.
“Well for starters, you have to put the potato in the front of your bathing suit,” he said.
As I said, it is true that some things can be taught. But at the end of the day, another couple of aphorisms hold true, no matter what your mom or all those Pepsi commercials told you. That is, “Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes right down to the bone,” and “You can’t fix stupid.”
There. That’s talented, brilliant advice.
Now send me money and I’ll see you from -- uh, I mean at -- the top.